


Broken so bad

by dboys



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 05:12:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5526707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dboys/pseuds/dboys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Generally, Tetsurou was pretty good at reading people. Throughout his life he always needed to know the signs of behavior so he’d know if he was safe or not. So now, even if they were a complete stranger, Tetsurou could usually read them, figure them out and what they were thinking. </p><p>Then there was Tsukishima. He came across as standoff-ish but Tetsurou couldn’t figure out what else.</p><p>The only thing he was able to pick up on was that he held his hands and fidgeted with his fingers in front of him when he was anxious. Not being able to read him intrigued Tetsurou. He didn’t have that great of an education but he was able to teach himself things pretty easily. Tetsurou wouldn’t say that it was also influenced by the fact that he hadn’t had a friend since… ever, but he wanted to talk to Tsukishima. Hang out with him. Dig deep and discover the life events of Kei Tsukishima.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken so bad

**Author's Note:**

> This is for [Cindy](http://tsukkiaf.tumblr.com), I was her secret santa and I know how long this is and since it is so long, you honestly don't need to read it because I know that long fics are sometimes a chore to read and sorry if it's a little overwhelming. Either way, ily and I hope you have a wonderful christmas <3
> 
> The idea came from "naked cuddling" and yeah.........  
> It's sorta kinda an American AU bc I don't know how some of these things work in Japan and whenever I googled it I didn't get very clear answers so I didn't want something to be entirely wrong, especially because I know it's not common to leave tips for waiters in Japan
> 
> Also, huge thanks to [Maegan](https://twitter.com/happyquinnn) and [Angela](http://all-around-enigma.tumblr.com/) for helping me out
> 
> There is a sorta kinda almost smut part so if that makes you uncomfy then you can skip over it, it's not that long and honestly you'd probably only have to read the last few parts of it.
> 
> ANYWAYS, I hope u enjoy, good luck

Tetsurou Kuroo’s life had never been all that great. Though, whenever he used to mention it to his parents they’d tell him he had no room to complain because “there will always be someone else who has it worse.”

But it was bad to Tetsurou, and that was good enough for him.

The apartment above the hardware store was where he lived.

It was a small, one bedroom apartment that was extremely cheap and even though the reason was because downstairs was so disruptive and along with that not in the best part of town, Tetsurou took it anyways.

He worked as a waiter at the nearby restaurant, he also took shifts at the shop he lived above and if rent was coming up and it had been a particularly sucky tip month, he’d even walk some dogs. But, it didn’t really matter to Tetsurou because if he didn’t then he would have so much free time that he’d probably learn how to knit or something.

Tetsurou had always been a social person but had only ever had one friend in his life, who of course wasn’t in it now. It was another reason he committed to such work. He was easy to talk to, funny, even handsome, but people would never stick around. Whenever he began to think that someone finally wanted to be friends, they’d always bail. Tetsurou never knew why, but never bothered to try and find out. It wasn’t that he didn’t care… because again: Tetsurou had always been social, just…

He had learned to stop trying.

By this point all he was doing was surviving.

All he did was repeat, repeat, repeat, every single day.

The most present thing in his life was silence. Which was ironic because Tetsurou had always seen silence as his worst enemy.

This was the only thing Tetsurou never got used to.

_“Hello, Tetsurou. How are you today?”_

The imaginary conversations he’d make up in his head, falsely giving him hope when he knew he was hopeless.

He just wanted to make it stop.

Feeling empty was better than trying to pursue something impossible.

It was less effort and Tetsurou just so happened to be a natural.

-

-

Tetsurou woke up to the sound of his alarm, same alarm, different day, same routine, different weather.

He took a second to get up, staring at the ceiling. He had an hour before he had to leave; staying in bed for a few more minutes wouldn’t hurt.

His warm cocoon that he just wanted to walk around in, no cold floors, no cold shower, no cold at all.

-

-

Tetsurou woke up.

This time an hour later.

He was late.

This would be the time where he was supposed to leap out of bed and got ready as quickly as possible. Instead, Tetsurou simply rolled out of bed as if he were an hour early like usual.

He didn’t bother taking a shower, instead went straight to his work uniform he had laid out the night before and put it on slowly.

His jacket wasn’t very warm but he used it anyways. Running late could be his excuse for poorly planned attire for the weather.

He grabbed his phone and half of a bagel before walking out the door.

Tetsurou lived about half a mile away from the restaurant.

During the cold season it was always a bitch because he had to walk since he couldn’t afford a car. Usually he’d practically jog there to simply get out of the weather quicker, but this time he just walked, nice and slow, taking in the scenery he never paid attention to.

He huffed out to see his breath in the air like he used to when he was a little kid.

But 26 year olds aren’t children anymore.  

Tetsurou’s will to care was just becoming less and less.

He just wanted to be as care free as he was when he was smaller, younger. Of course, that would never be able to happen.

Tetsurou laughed to himself as he finally approached the restaurant, starting to prepare himself for the lecture he was bound to get. It wasn’t like this was the first time, but it was the first time that Tetsurou didn’t even try to care.

“KUROO!” The manager of the establishment yelled. “You’re late.”

Tooru Oikawa didn’t believe in first names, he pretty much just used them while he was trying to insult someone. He said it made them feel too much like friends and “your coworkers aren’t your friends” so last names were the way to go.

“I’m sorry, sir.” He said bluntly.

“You don’t sound like it.” Oikawa crossed his arms.

 _It’s because I’m not._ “I’m sincerely sorry, sir.” Tetsurou said, this time with more emphasis.

Oikawa narrowed his eyes, staring so hard at Tetsurou like he was trying to steal his soul; Tetsurou wouldn’t have been surprised if Oikawa had that power. Oikawa analyzed people down to the bone. He could catch any lie even if it was as simple as saying it’s nice to see someone when you really just want to crawl into a hole.

Oikawa hummed and tapped his lips with his index finger. “Since you’re so ‘sorry’ you wouldn’t mind making it up to me, right?”

Tetsurou sighed. “Yes, sir.”

“We have a new recruit coming in tomorrow and you can have the honor of training him.”

Tetsurou bit his lip to keep from saying anything stupid that would get him in even more bullshit thrown onto him.

“I’ll give you his paperwork after your shift.” Oikawa smiled that million dollar smile of lies as he walked towards Tetsurou, firmly grasping his shoulder and leaning close to his ear, whispering, “He’s a real ray of sunshine.”

Tetsurou kept himself from yelling out a smartass retort that would just get him in even more trouble. It was the most will he had used that morning.

He went to the staff break room to take off his jacket, replacing it with his apron and switching his phone for his notepad and pen.

During his own training (He was trained by Hajime Iwaizumi, he was the only person Tetsurou had ever seen actually stand up to Oikawa, in fact he was pretty sure Oikawa was even _intimidated_ by him. But that was before Oikawa became manager, he was riding on his high horse now. After Iwaizumi quit to work somewhere “less shitty” was when Oikawa started getting cockier and more annoying.) it had always been drilled into his mind to treat every customer like “it was their last day living and this was their last request.”

That was four years ago and to put it simply, like most things in his life, Tetsurou just didn’t care anymore.

Tetsurou just went on with his day. Like usual, customers were being unreasonable, this time he wasn’t going to take any shit. Tetsurou had been complained about more times than he can count, but the restaurant was too understaffed to fire him.

Tetsurou wanted to laugh every time a customer asked to “speak to the manager” and request he be fired.

Oikawa would put on his smile and say, “Oh, I’m sorry, he’s just having a rough day, I’ll take 20% off your meal.”

Those were the days Tetsurou wouldn’t get any tips.

Today was one of those days.

A seven hour shift, 11am to 6pm, was the shortest he had that week and it had barely passed. Tomorrow was looking great.

Training someone.

Joy.

Tetsurou had never even trained someone, didn’t have the training _to_ train someone. Tetsurou looked promising, looked like he knew what he was doing in his life, but he really didn’t. No one ever taught him how bad it would be. He had been on his own since he was 18, nine years later and he hadn’t changed one bit.

Tetsurou counted his tip money, it was practically next to nothing.

He should have spit in all those people’s food.

It was always the middle aged white parents who asked for “A burger with extra cheese, no sesame bun. Add ketchup but not _too_ much ketchup, also I want to exchange fries for broccoli, never mind just give me both, with a side of ranch and also some chicken noodle soup but try to get as little carrots as possible and extra noodles. Also some crackers for the soup and some dinner rolls, please. :-)” and didn’t understand how the restaurant business worked and get angry when their food wasn’t ready in five minutes when they came with a party of 20 without notice.

They’d always yell at Tetsurou, saying, “It should be out by now! It’s not that hard to make all this food we ordered!!!!!!!!!!” while Tetsurou would reply, “You’re not the only one here; we can’t cater to your every single request or work faster just because _you’re_ impatient.”

Tetsurou had thrown out the saying “The customer is always right” years ago.

They’d say, “You won’t be getting our business again!”

Tetsurou would respond, “Good riddance.”

But, those were on the bad days; which weren’t very often. His good mood could even get customers to request him as a server. This girl that had come in even asked for a selfie together.

Nonetheless, work was work, aka torture.

He clocked out and didn’t bother saying goodbye.

When he walked out the door, Tetsurou took his phone from his jacket pocket and checked for new messages.

Tetsurou laughed and reminded himself that he still had a flip phone for a reason. No sense in spending all this money on a smart phone if it never got used. He only needed his phone for work, nothing else.

-

-

The next day was a repeat: wake up, fall back asleep, wake up again, realize he was late, slowly get into work uniform, grab the other half of his bagel, and leisurely walk to work.

Except this time he had “You get to train someone today” stuck in his head.

He had read over the paperwork. The guy didn’t sound bad but he didn’t really sound interesting either.

“This is Kei Tsukishima, since you’re late I had him meet the rest of the staff. Tsukishima, that’s Kuroo, he will be training you.”

“My name is Kei—“

“We go by last names here, kid.” Tetsurou interrupted, pushing Oikawa out.

“I’m 23.”

“Anyways, do you have any experience? Because I read over your resume but honestly some people just lie so might as well get how much I need to teach you now.”

“I worked at McDonalds for two months.”

Tetsurou sighed. “Right, of course.”

Tetsurou felt bad for Tsukishima, to say in the least. He knew he wasn’t in the best of moods and he didn’t want to take it out on the new guy. He didn’t want this to be the first impression that Tsukishima had of him. Tetsurou was so much better than that.

“To start off, do you have any questions?” He decided he was going to try and force a good mood on himself.

“Not really…” Tsukishima muttered.

“Not even one?”

“No. Can we just hurry up and get this over with?” He asked impatiently.

Tetsurou remembered what Oikawa had said about Tsukishima being a “ray of sunshine”.

This was going to be fun.

-

-

Because Tetsurou had no experience in training, he tried to do what he remembered of his own all those years ago.

But since it had been a while, there were lots of “um”s and awkward silences as he walked around the restaurant.

Tsukishima had been quiet for the most part, but sometimes when Tetsurou would mess up he’d laugh. Sometimes even make a snide comment. Tetsurou wasn’t quite sure if Tsukishima was making fun of him or just doing it to be funny, because Tetsurou knew himself to do the ladder.

When Tetsurou had finally sputtered out all the information he knew, he turned to Tsukishima. “So… that’s it.”

Tsukishima raised an eyebrow, leaning back and fidgeting with him hands in front of him. “Okay.”

“When do you start working?”

“Now, I guess.”

Oikawa was evil, scheduling someone right after being trained, and by a shitty trainer at that.

Tetsurou bit his lip and looked around. He placed his hands on his hips and took a deep breath. “Okay, that sucks.” He muttered under his breath. “I’ll be working, too, so if you need help then feel free to ask.”

Tsukishima nodded and the two got to work.

Surprisingly, Tsukishima didn’t do half bad. Unlike Tetsurou, he didn’t drop a full tray of food on a customer on his first day, so not doing that was what Tetsurou would define as “good.”

He didn’t ask questions but Tetsurou could tell that there were moments when he wanted to. However, he was insistent on figuring it out on his own, so Tetsurou didn’t want to interfere.

Tetsurou and Tsukishima’s shifts ended at the same time so they went to the employee room together.

Tsukishima just grabbed his bag and began to head out.

“You’re not gonna change?” Most of the employee’s changed out of the uniform after their shifts. The restaurant tended to get hot, especially if you were near the kitchen.

“No.” Tsukishima said without looking back. There was a moment of hesitation before his answer and Tetsurou wasn’t quite sure how he was supposed to read that.

Generally, Tetsurou was pretty good at reading people. Throughout his life he always needed to know the signs of behavior so he’d know if he was safe or not. So now, even if they were a complete stranger, Tetsurou could usually read them, figure them out and what they were thinking.

Then there was Tsukishima. He came across as standoff-ish but Tetsurou couldn’t figure out what else.

The only thing he was able to pick up on was that he held his hands and fidgeted with his fingers in front of him when he was anxious. Not being able to read him intrigued Tetsurou. He didn’t have that great of an education but he was able to teach himself things pretty easily. Tetsurou wouldn’t say that it was also influenced by the fact that he hadn’t had a friend since… ever, but he wanted to talk to Tsukishima. Hang out with him. Dig deep and discover the life events of Kei Tsukishima.

-

-

Tetsurou walked home, like usual. He threw himself onto his bed and groaned, closing his eyes and covering his face with his hands.

It had already been a long day but he still had a shift at the hardware store waiting for him. He would say he didn’t want to do it, and he really didn’t, but then he’d be left alone. Tetsurou knew that if that were to happen he’d start overthinking everything.

Even if the hardware store wasn’t busy, there was more to look at than plain, blank walls, and that was good enough to keep him occupied.

Tetsurou stood and walked to his closet to grab his other uniform. He brought the shirt to his nose and sniffed. He really needed to do laundry but the laundromat was so far away… and frankly febreeze was working just fine but he knew that soon people would start to say otherwise.

Nonetheless, Tetsurou didn’t have time to worry about it and changed before heading down the stairs to his second job.

It wasn’t difficult; Tetsurou mostly worked the cash register. His boss was extremely easy going and it was sad that he was reaching such an old age. He had been notified that his son may have to take over soon. Tetsurou had never met his boss’ son, but he talked about him often. He always commented that the two would get along well but Tetsurou didn’t want to fuck up his chances so never agreed to meet him.

He was told that his son was clumsy and overall kind of disruptive; that he was a good kid, but wasn’t allowed in the shop because when he was young he had hurt himself.

Tetsurou’s shifts were never too long, shorter than the restaurant, and it gave a decent pay; so he kept it. It wasn’t the most popular shop but they had a few regulars that kept them in business.

He had been working there longer than the restaurant and it had become like a second home to him. Which was ironic because his actual home was right upstairs.

A few hours later, Tetsurou was starting to close up shop, the bell on the front door sounded.

“We’re closing up so make it quick.” Tetsurou called as he pulled a broom out of the supply closet to sweep the floor.

There was no response so he walked around to see if the customer had left.

“Tsukishima..?”

There Kei Tsukishima stood, looking at the spray paints and tearing his attention away from the labels when Tetsurou said his name. His eyes went wide.

“What are you doing here?” Tetsurou asked.

“Buying something, what else?”

Tetsurou scratched his head before walking further into the aisle. “Okay, Captain Smart-Ass, I meant why and what for.”

He swore he saw Tsukishima smiling. Just a bit, one quirk of the corner of his mouth that you’d only notice if you were really paying attention.

“Spray paint.”

“Yes, I see that. But what for?”

“Does it really matter?”

Tetsurou raised an eyebrow before walking away back to the register to reclaim his broom and begin sweeping again. He didn’t want to push Tsukishima away so he decided not to talk to him… which in a way was the same thing.

It was about four minutes before Tsukishima was making his way to the register with three cans of spray pain.

Tetsurou did what he was supposed to.

“So, why do you work here?” Tsukishima asked.

Tetsurou was thrown off by the sudden question, he didn’t think Tsukishima would even try to say hi, nonetheless make conversation.

“Well, I live in the apartment right above the store so it was only natural that I got to know the owner. He offered me a job so I took it.” He decided he’d somewhat open up to Tsukishima, just to get the ball rolling to see if Tsukishima would do the same.

“I see.”

Tetsurou fit the paints into a bag and took the money Tsukishima handed him. He was disappointed and kind of embarrassed by the response because now Tetsurou had shared something about himself and was still clueless about Tsukishima.

Tsukishima didn’t say goodbye after gathering his things, so Tetsurou decided to yell, “See you at work!”

To which received no response as well.

-

-

Tsukishima hadn’t come back to the hardware store, but he was at work.

“Heya, Tsukki!” Tetsurou said cheerfully one day, about a week after their meet at the store.

“Tsukki..?”

“Yeah! Your last name is kinda long so I shortened it.” He said sheepishly.

“Which is why you should just call me ‘Kei’ instead.”

“I like Tsukki.”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes before finishing up tying his apron and walked out of the room.

Throughout that week, Tetsurou had attempted to talk to Tsukishima more. Unfortunately, whenever he tried Tsukishima would just leave or Oikawa would happen to see and tell them to get back to work. Tetsurou had concluded that Tsukishima wasn’t much of a people person. He was capable of talking to others, but it was highly evident that it was on the bottom of his list of things he wanted to do. However, he managed to hide it for the most part when he was working. Every once in a while he’d even fake a smile and Tetsurou deemed that as being one of his good days.

That entire week had just been a range of emotions. He saw Tsukishima’s bad days, good days, and everything in between. It made Tetsurou wonder if this was how it was going to be for the entirety of Tsukishima working there or if it just happened to be a weird week. Either way, he still didn’t want to pry, didn’t want to scare Tsukishima away.

So, that continued. Tetsurou tried his best, usually shot down, and that was the only change his life had had in a while.

It was on a particularly slow day that Tetsurou and Tsukishima sat in the break room. They weren’t talking, Tsukishima had what looked like noise canceling headphones on and Tetsurou stole glances at him every so often; subconsciously tapping on the table as they sat.

He was trying to think of topics of conversation but all he could come up with was ‘how’s the weather’ which was pathetic all on its own.

Tsukishima slid his headphones off his ears and around his neck, meeting Tetsurou’s eyes. “Did you need something? Because you’ve been staring at me for a while now.” He said bluntly.

“Oh… um, I was just wondering if you ever finished what you were doing with those spray paint cans you bought.”

“They were for a friend, not me.” And then his headphones were being slipped back on and the conversation was cut off.

Tetsurou licked his lips, staring at the table.

“Kuroo, Tsukishima, we have customers, get out here.” Oikawa said as he opened the door.

For once, Tetsurou was happy to be going back to work.

-

-

“Hey, you’ve been taking a lot of shifts lately. Is everything okay?”

Tsukishima stopped dead in his tracks, staring at the sink he had been washing dishes in. “Yeah, fine.”

Tetsurou paused, waiting to see if Tsukishima would elaborate. “Well, if you ever get tired of looking at the same things, the hardware store is always hiring, we only have two regular workers, me and this other guy, so it would be nice having an extra hand. It pays better than here.”

Tsukishima nodded stiffly as he went back to doing dishes.

Tetsurou decided he didn’t want to get yelled at by Oikawa so he turned to leave the room but when he was right by the threshold, Tsukishima spoke.

“Could you bring me an application tomorrow?” It was barely above a whisper.

Tetsurou grinned. “You got it.”

-

-

“What size T-shirt are you?” Tetsurou asked as he dug through a pile of store T-shirts.

“Just give me what you have.”

Tetsurou turned to face Tsukishima. “Can I just look at the tag on your—“

“ _No_ , just give me what you have.”

Tetsurou didn’t push any further as he grabbed a small, handing it to Tsukishima. “Try it on.”

“Right here?”

“You can change in the bathroom if you’re uncomfortable with it.”

“Okay.”

Tetsurou leaned against the wall, waiting for Tsukishima to finish. He didn’t know what size his uniform at the restaurant, but he had noticed it was the right length but it looked so baggy to the point where you could almost fit another person in there. That was an exaggeration, but…  the point was: it’s really big on him.

He respected that Tsukishima was self-conscious, but it was the way he handled himself that worried Tetsurou the most.

Tsukishima always looked like he was trying to shrink himself, after knowing him for longer, he had confirmed his theory about Tsukishima fidgeting with his hands in front of him to be an act of coping with anxiety. His attitude made him seem so sure of himself but… actions speak louder than words.

The bathroom door cracked open.

“Can I have the next size up?”

Tetsurou didn’t hesitate as he reached to grab a medium. Tsukishima took the shirt without showing his face from behind the door.

When he came out, the first thing Tetsurou noticed was that the small would have fit so much better. But, he knew that some people just prefer baggy clothing so he didn’t say anything.

Tsukishima gave back the small and stood, waiting for directions.

“The schedule here is pretty relaxed, when do you want to start working?”

“I have a question…”

“Ask away.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

“I’m always this kind.” Tetsurou frowned. “I genuinely care about other’s wellbeing.”

“Oh.”

“Tsukki?—“

“Just schedule me for next Saturday, I need to go.” Tsukishima muttered as he ducked his head down and grabbed his other belongings before heading out the door.

Tetsurou didn’t chase after him but… it was mostly because he was too confused to do anything.

Had he said something wrong? Tetsurou tended to do that without noticing, but after it happened, he could usually pick out what it was that he did.

This time he was absolutely clueless.

The things he could actually think of didn’t seem to be something someone would get upset about. He had to remind himself that he didn’t know anything about Tsukishima’s life so he easily could have said something that had some deeper meaning without knowing it.

_Tetsurou, you fucked up again._

He sighed as he began to clean up a few things before closing shop for the night.

-

-

Tetsurou worked with Tsukishima for the first few weeks at the hardware store. He had to teach Tsukishima everything, not that he minded. It was just strange seeing Tsukishima outside the restaurant. They had begun spending so much time together that Tetsurou felt as if he even made a friend…

No, that couldn’t be it. Tetsurou had quickly picked up on Tsukishima’s body language and what it meant. He was becoming more relaxed around Tetsurou, but that didn’t mean they were friends.

Tsukishima was basically working back to back between his two jobs; the bags under his eyes were becoming worse and that went on for three weeks before Tetsurou decided to do something about it.

“Are you okay?”

Tsukishima had nearly fallen asleep at the register. “Fine.”

“You don’t sound like it.” Tetsurou frowned. “You’ve been working so much lately, it looks like you haven’t slept in days.” He had known Tsukishima long enough now that pushing a little forward wasn’t as big of a deal as it used to be.

Tsukishima hesitated and stared at the ground, basically telling Tetsurou he was right.

“You can talk to me…” He tried to use the calmest voice possible, approaching Tsukishima and reaching out to place his hand on his shoulder.

But Tsukishima just shied away. “Don’t touch me.” He muttered.

“I just want to help.”

“Well, I don’t _need_ it.”

That stopped the conversation. Tetsurou wasn’t sure how to respond and Tsukishima was obviously having a rough time; he didn’t want to make it worse. They went back to their tasks, Tetsurou restocking while Tsukishima watched the register. It had been a slow day so there were no customers to make the tension less noticeable.

Finally, when both of their shifts were coming to an end, Tetsurou stood in front of Tsukishima.

“You look like shit.”

He huffed out a laugh. “You think I don’t know that? Believe me, I do.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Tetsurou placed his hands on his hips. “You look like you’re about to faint at any given moment, you shouldn’t walk home in this condition, it’s dangerous.”

Tsukishima frowned. “And where do you suppose I go?”

“I’ve said this before, but I live just upstairs. You could stay over.”

His frown deepened. “That would be weird.”

“It’s bound to happen at some point.”

“Is it though?”

Tetsurou shrugged.

Tsukishima sighed, rolling his eyes. “Anyways, I have somewhere I need to go, so—“

“Is that just an excuse?”

“No, actually—“

“I just care about you, okay? I don’t want the possibility of you getting hurt.” Tetsurou shouldn’t have said that.

Tsukishima’s eyes widened and it looked like he had stopped breathing.

“Tsukki..?”

He looked as if he was going to be sick, more than before. “I need to go.” Tsukishima muttered, leaving the store without even grabbing his jacket.

One day Tetsurou would have to run after him, he wasn’t sure when, but he knew it was coming.

The confusion that settled in Tetsurou was becoming all too common. He just needed to figure Tsukishima out already. Why was it so difficult? It was so frustrating. It was exhausting. It was…

Then it clicked.

Tetsurou rushed to finish closing up shop so he could run upstairs and throw himself onto his bed. Those blank walls were actually going to have been useful.

He sprawled out across his mattress and stared at the ceiling as he breathed heavily from having moved so quickly.

Tsukishima wasn’t used to this.

He wasn’t used to people going out of their way for him, like he had been last priority for his whole life. People never tried to figure him out so he never learned how to open up, and now that someone was, it felt like an attack. It felt like someone was just trying to figure him out to use the information against him. Because of this, Tsukishima had probably started to believe he wasn’t worth it. That no one cared about him and no one ever would unless they wanted to hurt him.

So, he was all on his own.

If he asked for help, did anything for himself that involved another person, that he was just being a burden.

Tetsurou knew this feeling all too well. He had gone through similar circumstances which was why he even recognized it. He still believed it from time to time but a few years prior he had realized that his life would always be miserable but there’s no avoiding it, however, it was his choice whether to add to it or not. It was difficult, but he somehow managed to pull through.

Maybe Tsukishima actually had people telling him this, shooting him down and making him believe he was just wasted space on this earth.

Tetsurou didn’t know if that was true for sure, but it was a place to start and he could go from there.

-

-

Over the next few days, Tetsurou decided to just observe Tsukishima and not try to bother him. It was easier said than done when it had become routine to talk to him nearly every day, but he just wanted to try and prove his theory.

Tsukishima didn’t look like he minded but Tetsurou has learned not to judge Tsukishima by his expressions. Tsukishima seemed less stressed but Tetsurou knew that when he went through something similar he had done the same. After a few weeks everything just became normal, used to that stress that was constantly in his life.

He didn’t want Tsukishima to get used to it, he wanted the issue to be solved but he couldn’t do that without knowing what was going on. That being said, he didn’t think that Tsukishima was ready to open up to him any time soon.

After those few days, Tetsurou started speaking to Tsukishima on a regular basis again. With this change, as well, Tsukishima’s expressions remained the same. Of course, with him talking to Tetsurou, that was a change but he didn’t seem affected by it. But to some extent, that was a good thing for Tetsurou, he didn’t want Tsukishima to become more distant than he already was.

-

-

“Hey, Kuroo,” Tsukishima said as they were getting off work at the restaurant. “Um,” He was doing the thing with his hands. “So I’m taking the next few days off so… since I won’t be here, can you just text me the schedule for the store?”

Tetsurou grinned. “Tsukki, I kinda need your number for that.”

“I know,” He muttered. “I was getting to that part.”

Tetsurou let out a quiet laugh. “Yeah, I can do that, but my phone is really shitty so it would probably just be easier to call—“

“You can’t send a picture?”

“No camera.”

“And you’re sure—“

Tetsurou sighed and quickly pulled out his phone, flipping it open to show to Tsukishima. “Tsukki, it’s a shitty flip phone, all I need it for is receiving work texts and calling somewhere every once in a while.”

Tsukishima frowned and stared at the ground. “I just… don’t like talking on the phone.”

It was kind of surprising that Tsukishima was actually saying something like that about himself. So far he had barely gotten anything, pretty much just knew what he had seen on his resume.

They stood there in silence for a bit while Tetsurou thought about options that they had. “You don’t even have to talk,” He finally said. “I can call, you can pick up, I can say everything and you can just hang up, no big deal. Or, I can just send you a really poorly worded text.”

Tsukishima sighed. “You can call.”

A few minutes later they were going their separate ways and Tetsurou now had a new number in his phone.

It felt foreign. The only numbers he had were both works and his parents. Texts once a week from work; his parents numbers hadn’t been touched in well over a few years.

It felt like, having another number, even if it was just for work purposes, he felt that somehow he’s be able to become good enough… friends… that he’d be able to talk to him on a regular basis. Or so he hoped. Tetsurou knew that Tsukishima wasn’t easy to get to, he reminded himself constantly. But for some reason there was still that little sliver of hope that he’d be able to break through that barrier.

The days went on and Tetsurou called Tsukishima. It went according to plan but didn’t make Tetsurou feel accomplished. All he had gotten were a few noises of confirmation if he was able to work those days or not.

As Tetsurou stared at the schedules, he noticed that Tsukishima’s extra shifts had died down; which didn’t exactly upset him, but got him wondering why. It could have been something small, like he was running low on rent money, which was what Testurou did, but he just got the feeling from the way Tsukishima was acting that there was more to it than that.

Tetsurou wanted to be able to help, but he didn’t want to sit there and do nothing, he had done that too long in his life and now he was being given the chance to make up for that.

If Tsukishima didn’t want his help now, he knew he would need it eventually. Tetsurou knew the same had happened to him, but no one was there to help.

As far as he knew, he and Tsukishima had similar mindsets on how they looked at things. Tetsurou knew that he realized it, so he hoped that Tsukishima would, too.

-

-

If it was possible, Tsukishima looked even worse than when he left. The bags under his eyes were more exaggerated, cheek bones more sunken in than usual, hair a mess.

“You look sick.” Tetsurou frowned.

Tsukishima glanced at him. “I’m not the sick one.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tetsurou whispered to himself, out of Tsukishima’s earshot.

Tsukishima walked into the backroom of the store, Tetsurou followed.

He stood there, next to the shelf that he usually put his things on, not moving. Tsukishima hadn’t addressed Tetsurou and he didn’t know if it was because he hadn’t noticed or…

“Fuck…” Tsukishima whispered, removing his glasses from his face to wipe at his eyes. “Fuck…” This time louder. “FUCK.” This time yelled and he raised his first and punched the shelf that barely wobbled and sunk to his knees, gripping at his hand.

“Tsukki…” Tetsurou muttered, horrified by what he had just witnessed.

Without turning back, Tsukishima finally said something to Tetsurou. “I’m sorry.” It was barely audible but Tetsurou could at least make it out.

Tetsurou cautiously walked to him, kneeling down and rubbing Tsukishima’s back. “Why are you sorry?”

Tsukishima visibly tensed but didn’t pull away. “Nothing,” He muttered, wiping his eyes. “Nothing, never mind, I’m fine, just forget about it.”

Tetsurou’s original philosophy was to let Tsukishima move at his own pace, let him open up as he was ready, Tetsurou said he didn’t want to intrude and scare him away but now…

Now Tetsurou thought of it as absolute bullshit, it didn’t matter anymore.

“Tsukki, I need to know what happened.” He said sternly.

“It’s nothing, it doesn’t concern you.”

“It concerned me when you brought it into the work place, I _need_ to know what’s happening, for your own health, I want to help you.”

“I’ve already said that I don’t need your help!”

“I DON’T CARE ANYMORE, YOU’RE GETTING IT.” Tetsurou yelled.

Tsukishima went dead silent, sitting up with an unnaturally straight posture.

“They’re pretty sure he’s going to die.” He mumbled.

“What?” Suddenly, all the anger that had filled Tetsurou had vanished and neither of them dared to move.

After what felt like forever, Tsukishima stood and dusted off his pants with his hands. “We should probably be out there in case someone comes.” Tsukishima said quietly before passing Tetsurou to exit the room.

_Who’s dying though..?_

It was no use pressing on at that moment so Tetsurou followed Tsukishima’s example and left the room.

-

-

As they were closing up, Tsukishima wasn’t rushing to leave like usual.

“You’re still here.” Tetsurou commented.

“Yeah.”

“Why’s that?”

There was a pause. Tetsurou could tell he was thinking, probably about telling him that it was none of his business but apparently Tsukishima rethought it. “I don’t exactly want to go home right now.” He said quietly, holding his hands in front of him.

“Why’s that?”

“Why do you ask so many questions?”

Tetsurou shrugged. “Because it’s the only way to get information out of you.”

Tsukishima stared at him like he was surprised. He was so stubborn, Tetsurou was surprised himself that he hadn’t picked up on it.

“My brother is sick,” He started off with almost a mumble. “And so now the apartment we live in feels empty and I just… really don’t want to go back to an empty apartment right now.”

Tetsurou had expected this much but it still managed to hit him. He muttered a quiet “I’m sorry” before thinking for a few seconds and sighing. “Remember how I said that you’re bound to stay over at my place some day?”

Tsukishima nodded.

“Well, do you want today to be that someday?”

-

-

Tetsurou was surprised by how easily Tsukishima gave in.

At first, Tsukishima had objected to sleeping in the same bed, but then he got to know how uncomfortable and small the couch was and that didn’t last long. So, he strictly set the rule of “stay on _your_ side of the bed.”

Tetsurou hadn’t had a roommate since he was much younger. Though it wasn’t unwelcomed, and it actually made Tetsurou kind of… happy.

They would walk to the restaurant together and after that, Tsukishima would take the bus to the hospital to visit his brother while Tetsurou went home and got ready for his shift at the store which Tsukishima would arrive at not too long after.

It wasn’t every day that this happened. Tetsurou started to pick up on that going to the hospital was very emotionally draining for Tsukishima. That didn’t stop him from going, but he did shorten the amount of time he was there.

On days the both had off… well, that was pretty rare but if it did happen, then they’d just lay in bed until they felt the need to be productive and did whatever either of them suggested first.

Some days were better than others, sometimes Tsukishima would be in a really good mood (as good of a mood as Tsukishima could get in, that is), but others he would be horribly agitated. But, Tetsurou was just happy to be able to help someone out and on top of that get a roommate that wasn’t obnoxious. Tsukishima seemed content and that’s all Tetsurou could ask for.

As the days went on, Tsukishima slowly started opening up about his life. Tetsurou learned that his mother (a single parent) died when he was 15 and him and his brother were left on their own. Since his brother was already 22 at the time, Tsukishima didn’t have to be put into a foster home but his brother (“Akiteru,” Tsukishima said.) had so much more work put onto him that he had to drop out of college to pick up more work. Akiteru had had a full-ride scholarship to a nearby college for volleyball but he just couldn’t keep up with classes and homework and studying on top of practices and a part time job followed by having to take care of his little brother, he just couldn’t handle it. Akiteru told Tsukishima that he didn’t want the same to happen to him and that he would never leave but then… then Akiteru got extremely sick and they didn’t notice how bad it was until he started coughing up blood (but he found out that apparently Akiteru _did_ know how bad it was and decided he wasn’t going to say anything) so he was taken to a hospital.

Since Akiteru couldn’t work due to illness, Tsukishima had to “pick up the slack” and find a way to get more money so he could take care of himself, which was why he started picking up so many more shifts, forcing him to drop out of college, just like his brother.

“It’s not that bad, though, I guess.” Tsukishima said. “Akiteru is going to get better and I’ll be able to go back to college soon.”

It was worded like there was hope, but going by Tsukishima’s tone of voice, he didn’t quite believe himself.

-

-

“Can I go with you to see Akiteru today?” Tetsurou asked as they were getting ready to leave from their shifts.

Tsukishima stopped what he was doing and looked at him. “What?”

“I mean, you always talk about him and he seems pretty great so I wanna meet him.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Tsukishima immediately blurted out.

Tetsurou frowned. “How come?”

“I just… don’t want my two lived mixing, I guess…” He muttered. “I love him, but being with Akiteru is really depressing and my life with you just… isn’t.”

Tetsurou could feel himself blushing.

“Stop looking at me like that, it’s weird.”

Tetsurou shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. “Tsukki…”

“Can we leave?”

Tetsurou remained where he was, still trying to think of something to say.

Tsukishima really started looking uncomfortable, shifting on his feet and beginning to play with his hands.

It made him feel bad but… he just couldn’t get himself to look away.

“If I let you come will you stop looking at me like that?” Tsukishima eventually said.

Finally, Tetsurou was pulled back to reality. “Yes.” He responded, grinning.

The bus going towards the hospital was surprisingly full for it being the time that it was. There was only one seat left and Tetsurou being the gentleman he is, let Tsukishima take it.

It wasn’t too long of a ride, but it was longer than what Tetsurou had been expecting.

Tsukishima apparently did this nearly every day, he wondered what he thought of it.

Though, Tetsurou was pretty sure that if Tsukishima didn’t want to do it, then he wouldn’t. From what he could tell, Akiteru was really important to him, that one person you just _needed_ and would be a total mess without. Tetsurou couldn’t exactly say he understood but… he could guess enough that this is a crucial situation in his life.

The ride took about 20 minutes and they watched person after person leave the bus and finally there was an empty seat next to Tsukishima and he took it.

He sighed as he sat down, throwing his head back against the window. “Is it like this every day?”

It was subtle, but Tsukishima nodded. He was staring out the window with glazed eyes.

Tsukishima was never the happiest person, but Tetsurou could tell when his mood dropped more than usual, and this was one of those times.

“Cheer up,” He nudged him. “Everything will be fine, okay?”

“That’s the last thing I need to hear right now, Kuroo.” Tsukishima said through gritted teeth, balling his fists in his lap, finally tearing his gaze away from the window.

Tetsurou frowned and they were quiet like that for the rest of the ride.

-

-

He hadn’t even thought of the size of the hospital beforehand, but it was huge. It was that hospital that could afford to put ads on television and billboards. Tetsurou gaped at the amount of floors the place had and he wondered how they were able to keep track of everyone inside.

“Come on.” Tsukishima muttered, stuffing his hands in his pockets and continuing forward, leaving Tetsurou to chase from behind.

The front desk was what anyone would expect and Tsukishima checked in, also saying hello to some nurses that apparently knew him because of how often he visited.

Akiteru was on one of the higher floors, causing the elevator ride to last a lot longer and Tetsurou noticed how _used_ to everything Tsukishima seemed.

Finally, they came to a door to the right of the elevator that read “Akiteru Tsukishima” on the outside and Tsukishima turned the knob.

“Akiteru…” Tsukishima said softly, slowly moving into the room and having Tetsurou follow behind.

“You’re fine, Kei, come in.” A raspy voice responded. Tetsurou almost cringed at the sound.

“I brought someone,” Tsukishima said with a more normal voice, crossing the curtain to get to the bed. “This is Kuroo—“

“Tetsurou, Tetsurou Kuroo, pleased to meet you.” He grinned, noticing Tsukishima’s annoyed expression.

Akiteru was more than pale, he guessed it wasn’t his natural skin tone and that was wasn’t always that thin and brittle looking. However, there was not the right time or place to ask that question.

Akiteru smiled, obviously a little pained. “So you’re the “Kuroo” Kei talks about so much!”

Tetsurou raised his eyebrows, turning to look at Tsukishima who turned away with a reddening face.

“I guess so.”

It was silent for a few seconds before Akiteru spoke up again. “Kei, go get something from the vending machine.”

“I know what you’re doing—“

_“Kei.”_

“No—“

“Have you eaten today?”

Tsukishima was quiet for a moment before responding. “Not really…” He muttered.

“Exactly, now go.”

Once Tsukishima had trudged out the door, Akiteru’s expression turned deadly serious. “How’s Kei?”

“What..?”

“Is he eating?”

“I mean—“

“Is he overworking himself?”

“Well—“

“Do you know how he’s dealing with this?”

“He doesn’t exactly talk about himself.” Tetsurou finally got out a full sentence. “He’s kind of standoffish and it seems like he hates everyone.”

“Kei doesn’t hate everyone, he just…” He frowned. “Deals with things weirdly…”

“What?”

“Kei tries to put on this façade of not caring about anything and tried to get people to not like him and… he’s a good person just… sometimes he forgets to take care of himself and it just gets him in even more of a bad mood than usual. He tries to occupy himself  when bad things happen which usually results in him forgetting to eat because that’s always been last priority for him for some reason, and just… within the past few years, I’m going to be frank, have been absolute shit. So that happened and I became the person who reminded Kei he needed to take care of himself but then I got sick and… I can’t be with him all of the time anymore… and…” Akiteru sighed. “I just really need you to help him, like remind him to take care of himself.”

“Actually,” Tetsurou said, placing his hands on his hips. “He’s been staying with me recently and he’s starting to look better than he did.” He sighed. “He looked so sick, I felt so bad, I just wanted to hug him…”

“Oh… Well, that’s good then, he never told me… but I’m happy he found you, then. Kei denies it but he needs people in his life, especially after what’s been happening. And he seems to really like you and it’s pretty nice because he doesn’t let people in very easily, I know first-hand—“

“I’m back.” Tsukishima called, opening the door.

Tetsurou frowned; he wondered what Akiteru was about to say but that was going to be saved for another day as well.

“What’d you get?” Tetsurou asked.

Tsukishima held up a bag of goldfish and a bottled strawberry lemonade.

Akiteru sighed but with a smile. “You never change.”

-

-

Once they were back home, Tsukishima plopped down on the couch and Tetsurou remained standing, looking at him.

“What do you want for dinner?” He asked.

“What?”

“I feel like cooking.”

Tsukishima eyed him suspiciously. “I know what you’re doing,” He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “He told you to help me, didn’t he.” It was said more as a statement rather than a question.

“I can take care of myself.”

“Well obviously you _can’t_ ,” Tetsurou deadpanned, crossing his arms. “I won’t “baby you” if that’s what you’re afraid of, but Akiteru asked me to help and that’s basically what I’ve been trying to do from the very beginning so—“

“I’M NOT SOME CHARITY CASE.” Tsukishima snapped, standing from the couch and balling his fists. “I’m 23 years old, okay? Not 4, not 10, not 15, _23_. I don’t know why Akiteru keeps thinking going behind my back will make things better for me, you’d think he’s learned from me blatantly ignoring him for five years, but I guess you can’t change habits that easily.” He huffed out a stiff laugh that sounded… hurt. “I don’t know why he doesn’t understand how independence works, but I don’t need someone by my side hounding me about everything I’m doing wrong because I know it’s wrong, okay? I’m sick of it, stop listening to Akiteru, stop listening to that god damned mind of yours, and just _let me live my life.”_

Tetsurou was stunned into silence, Tsukishima’s words replaying through his head. He couldn’t tell if he should be proud or worried about Tsukishima doing this.

Obviously, Tsukishima wasn’t emotionally stable and it was making him make rash decisions. Tetsurou had always wanted to help him and now that Tsukishima voiced his thoughts, it just made Tetsurou want to help even more.

Tsukishima had stormed off to the bedroom right after he finished his speech, locking the door, and Tetsurou decided it’d be best to just let him calm down on his own.

-

-

About two hours later, the bedroom door was being slowly opened and Tsukishima peeked his head out from behind.

“Have you calmed down?” Tetsurou asked calmly, flipping through a magazine that had come in the store’s mail.

“I didn’t have a reason I needed to calm down, I was just sitting in the bedroom.” Tsukishima muttered, playing with the doorknob.

Tetsurou raised an eyebrow but left the matter be. He knew that Tsukishima wasn’t going to discuss it any further that day, or if he would, it wouldn’t be a cooperative conversation.

“I have to open up shop in a few minutes, it would be early for you, but do you want to come down with me?” Tetsurou asked, trying to get the tension to leave the air.

“I guess.” Tsukishima said quietly as Tetsurou stood to go into the bedroom to change into the store’s uniform.

The store was busier than usual, which Tetsurou guessed was a good thing. It kept them both bus and made the topic of life outside of work seem irrelevant.

“Hey,” Tetsurou said once the store crowd was dying down and they were about to start closing up. “Do you want to go grocery shopping with me when we’re finished here?”

Tsukishima opened his mouth to respond but quickly rethought whatever he was going to say. “I guess.”

Tetsurou laughed. “Is “I guess” all you can respond with today?”

A small hint of a smile tugged at Tsukishima’s lips. “I guess.”

He seemed to be feeling a little better. Those two hours that Tsukishima had claimed to have been doing “nothing” must have helped.

So, the shop closed, Tetsurou and Tsukishima went to the store. It was relatively close, but they still had to walk which meant they’d have to carry the bags back as well.

When Tetsurou said he had wanted to cook, he really had no idea what he was going to do. He couldn’t cook at all, there was a reason he was only a waiter at the restaurant. Nonetheless, he had Tsukishima pick out what he wanted, as long as it was on sale, and they ended up leaving with dried pasta and sauce and dinosaur chicken nuggets, per Tsukishima’s request.

“Shut up, they’re good.” He muttered as he shoced them into the freezer once they were home.

“Never said they weren’t,” Tetsurou grinned. “What makes them different from regular chicken nuggets?”

“Dinosaursarecool.” He mumbled.

“What?”

“I LIKE DINOSAURS.”

Tetsurou started to laugh and Tsukishima’s face started turning pink. “That’s so cute, Tsukki!” And now his face was almost entirely red.

“Shut up…”

He settled down from his laughed and moved to pat Tsukishima’s shoulder. “You’re so cute.” He rephrased.

His words received no response and together they attempted to make spaghetti with a side of dino nuggets, which didn’t turn out too bad but the kitchen ended up a giant mess covered in the red sauce, it looked like a murder scene and Tetsurou wanted to say something along the lines of “It’s because Tsukki murdered my heart” which wasn’t exactly charming and actually sounded really bad in more ways than one. He wasn’t exactly sure where that had come from.

He had always known that he was attracted to Tsukishima, but recently it was becoming more prominent. Even though it felt foreign, he couldn’t say he hated it, which was both wonderful and frightening at the same time.

Since Tetsurou had never really had friends, he didn’t know the feeling of liking someone that was close to you. He thought it was safe to say that him and Tsukishima were at least friends by this point, and he felt like it was even more terrifying than liking someone that didn’t know you existed.

“Stop staring at me.” Tsukishima mumbled before dipping one of the nuggets into the pasta sauce.

“Sorry.” Tetsurou said sheepishly before continuing on with his meal.

-

-

They sat on opposite sides of the small couch, staring at the blank television that sat on a dusty stand.

It wasn’t used much, Tetsurou couldn’t afford cable so he had the standard channels that he didn’t find interesting and a plethora of DVDs that he wasn’t even sure how he had accumulated over the years.

“What kind of movies do you have?” Tsukishima asked.

“I think you’ve been here long enough that you don’t have to ask about things before you look,” He nodded to the small bookshelf that held the DVDs. “Go find out.”

Tsukishima sighed before getting up and trudging over to the bookcase.

It was about five minutes before he was coming back with a DVD in hand, holding it out in front of Tetsurou.

“Jurassic Park?”

Tsukishima nodded as Tetsurou took it from him.

“Yeah, my brother and I used to watch it a lot together when I was little.”

Tetsurou wondered if this was before the ignoring him for five years had started. He still didn’t know what had happened, but asking about it now just seemed counterproductive.

“You’re just going all out with your nerdiness today, aren’t you? You really like dinosaurs, it’s kind of cute.”

“Stop calling me cute.”

“Why?”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“So you’re not denying that you’re cute?” Tetsurou grinned, coming back to sit on the couch.

“Can we just watch the movie, please?”

So they did. Tetsurou had seen the movie maybe twice in his life. Don’t get him wrong, he liked it, but could never get so absorbed in it as Tsukishima was at the moment. He looked so concentrated, looked like he knew the movie by heart, and going from the events of that day, Tetsurou wouldn’t have been surprised if he had the whole movie memorized. He wondered if Akiteru was into them too, then.

Once they finished the movie, it was nearly one in the morning and they sat in silence as the credits came to an end. Tetusrou turned it off but made no effort to get up and Tsukishima didn’t either.

“Thanks for coming to visit Akiteru with me today.” A quiet voice said. “I think he was getting tired of just seeing the hospital staff and my face.”

Tetsurou hummed. “Who would get tired of seeing your face, though?” He wasn’t quite sure why he was saying this, apparently he became uncontrollably flirtatious when he was more tired than usual.

“Can we not?”

Tetsurou stopped himself from saying whatever he was going to in favor of saying “Sorry.”

Tsukishima looked at him, probably surprised that Tetsurou had apologized so easily. “It’s okay…” He muttered. “I was just trying to say that I haven’t seen Akiteru so excited to talk to someone in a while. He’s so extroverted, I can’t even imagine how it would feel to be deprived of something that plays such a big role in your personality…”

The way that he worded it, Tetsurou furrowed his brows. “Hey, Tsukki, when you were in college, what was your major?” He asked, turning to face the other.

“Why does that matter?”

“I’m curious, Tsukki, I just want to learn more about you.”

Tsukishima eyed him skeptically before responding. “Literature… focus on creative writing…”

Tetsurou snorted. “It fits you.”

“Did you go to college for anything?”

Tetsurou shook his head. “No, I wanted to, though.”

“Why didn’t you go?”

He hesitated. “Not enough money.”

“What about student loans?”

“Don’t want to deal with those.”

“And your parents couldn’t help?”

Tetsurou looked at the ground, mood suddenly dropped. “Can we not talk about this anymore?”

Tsukishima frowned and furrowed his brows. “You always ask me this stuff—“

“That’s different!” Tetsurou cut off, trying to defend himself.

“No, you’re just being a hypocrite now,” Tsukishima’s voice almost sounded furious. “You do this to me so—“

“I’m not doing this right now.” Tetsurou’s voice was shaky and he stood, vision blurring, and walked to the room, shutting the door behind him, just like Tsukishima had earlier. He threw himself on to the bed face first and just lay there, not even moving when he heard the door open and cautious footsteps coming his way.

There was a moment of silence, moment of stillness, and Tetsurou lifted his head, looking at Tsukishima who stood by the bed side, folding his hands in front of him.

“Kuroo—“

“I never got a high school diploma, okay? I didn’t graduate.” He finally muttered, turning his face away once the words were said.

Silence.

“Oh…”

“I’ll tell you what happened some other day, I just want to sleep right now, we have work tomorrow.”

“Right…”

-

-

For about two weeks, the topic of Kuroo’s life hadn’t come up. They continued on how they usually did, as if it never even happened. Sometimes Tetsurou wondered if it was just a dream, but the way Tsukishima gazed at him when he thought he wasn’t looking gave it away. Before, Tsukishima probably wouldn’t have even spared him a glance, and not to say he didn’t care, Tsukishima just didn’t want to get involved, tried his best to avoid all eye contact so he wouldn’t have to say hi or pretend to be busy with something so people wouldn’t talk to him.

Tetsurou was actually very appreciative that Tsukishima cared enough to check on him. But he knew that he was still curious about what happened in Tetsurou’s like to make him not want to talk about it.

Tetsurou didn’t want to and simply just never had the opportunity to tell someone about it. He knew that Tsukishima wanted to ask so bad but would keep his mouth shut for Tetsurou’s sake.

As days to weeks passed, Tsukishima started coming home with bad news.

“The medicine isn’t working anymore; he’ll be okay, though.”

“They said his white blood cells aren’t regenerating fast enough; he’ll be okay, though.”

“He’s refusing to eat and will barely talk to me anymore; he’ll be okay, though.”

The list went on, hopeful words being said one after another and Tetsurou started seriously doubting what these doctors were saying.

It had been a nice day; the shop was closed for the weekend so all they had to do was go to the restaurant.

Tsukishima continued going to see his brother so Tetsurou was at home alone, just relaxing and enjoying the quiet that hadn’t been haunting him like it used to.

The door busted open and Tsukishima came storming in, not even closing the door behind him. He threw off everything extra on his body, landing it harshly on the floor. He stomped over to the couch and yanked Tetsurou’s feet off to make room for himself. He sat, basically throwing himself and leaning forward, propping his elbows on his knees and burying his face in his hands.

“Tsukki—“

“They said he was going to be okay,” He said with a shaky voice. “They said he’s going to be okay and they _lied_ and I tried _so hard_ to believe them but I just _can’t_ anymore because it’s painfully obvious that he’s _not_ going to be okay and I’m just sitting here while he’s _dying_ —“

“Tsukki, calm down.” Tetsurou said in a loud yet calm voice. “You need to breathe.”

“I know that I don’t really take care of myself, don’t eat mostly, but, Kuroo, he weighs less than me now and I’m _so scared_ —“

Tetsurou cut him off by pulling him into a hug, gripping tightly and he never thought he’d see the day that Tsukishima would do the time.

Tsukishima didn’t cry, but he let out shaky breaths and Tetsurou knew he was holding in sobs.

“It’s okay to cry, you know.” He whispered.

Tsukishima pulled away and rubbed at his eyes. “I’m fine.”

 _You’re not though._ Was what he wanted to say, but instead he put his hand on Tsukishima’s shoulder and tried to give him a sympathetic look.

“I’m going to go lie down.” He announced, abruptly standing up.

“Do you want me to come with you? You don’t really seem like you should be alone right now.” Frowning, Tetsurou stood as well.

Tsukishima hesitated for a moment before turning to walk away. “Do whatever you want.” He muttered, whicb Tetsurou assumed was an open invitation that Tsukishima was trying to not straight out say. Something about “not being weak,” probably.

So, Tetsurou took the invitation and followed Tsukishima to the bedroom.

He was already laying on his side, facing away from the door and Tetsurou quietly walked over to lay down next to him as gently as possible. He got close to him, basically spooning him and Tsukishima turned over to face him. They looked at each other and he saw Tsukishima’s lip start to quiver so without thinking, Tetsurou pulled him closer and hugged him, running his hand through his hair and humming a soft tune. Not too long after, Tsukishima let out a sob that Tetsurou guessed was involuntary and he tried to hum louder to drown out the sounds that Tsukishima probably didn’t want either of them to hear.

A few hours later, Tetsurou woke up from a nap he didn’t even realize he had taken. He was still hugging Tsukishima so he pulled away, looking at the irritated skin around his eyes from crying. Aside from that, this was the most peaceful Tetsurou had ever seen him. He looked so much younger and didn’t look like he had a whole lifetime of stress resting on his shoulders.

He looked… adorable, and Tetsurou blushed at the realization, pulling him close again and kissing the top of his head.

-

-

“When you told me about the job at the store you said that there were only two workers, you and another person. How come I’ve never seen them?” Tsukishima asked one day as they were closing up shop together.

Tetsurou hummed as he flipped the sign to ‘close’. “Well, the other guy left about two weeks before I tried to recruit you, so I guess you’re the other guy.”

“What?”

“If you haven’t noticed, we’re extremely understaffed so when I told you about the job, I had just started working pretty much every shift so part of me genuinely wanted you here but the other half just didn’t want to take literally every shift.”

Tsukishima’s mouth formed an “O”, he stared at the ground and held his hands in front of him.

“And I’m really happy that you accepted because I really like you, Tsukki!”

Tsukishima began coughing on who knows what and—

Oh. Oh, he didn’t mean it like that, oh god, well he did but he didn’t want to _say_ it right there.

“Tsukki!” Tetsurou ran to the register and grabbed the water bottle he always had with him. He rushed back to Tsukishima who took the bottle and drank until it was empty.

“Tsukki, I didn’t mean it that way—“

“I know, I know,” Tsukishima waved off, placing his hand on his chest and breathing heavily. “I took it the wrong way, I know.”

Tetsurou sighed and they went up the stairs to the apartment.

This wasn’t the first time this had happened, one of them misinterpreting something the other said, and Tetsurou was starting to wonder if Tsukishima kept seeing them as mistakes or if he was starting to figure out that Tetsurou liked him.

They sat together on the couch, listening to music that was one Tsukishima’s phone. Tsukishima seemed pretty attached to the thing and Tetsurou wondered what that must feel like, being so dependent on a piece of technology.

It was also pretty great, though. Tsukishima had a really good taste in music, had more songs on that tiny thing than Tetsurou could imagine.

“Hey,” Tsukishima whispered after a while of just letting the music fill the lack of conversation.

“Yeah?”

“Um, I have some things back at my place that I want to bring over but it would take two people unless I wanted to make two trips and I really don’t want to, so, anyways, do you want to come… or whatever…” The faces he made while talking were so cute and he just wanted to kiss all of it.

“Yeah, of course,” Tetsurou laughed. “When do you want to go?”

“We have tomorrow off, right?”

Tetsurou nodded.

“So, tomorrow, I guess.”

-

-

The next day came and Tetsurou was actually kind of excited to go help Tsukishima. It had been so long since he’d been to someone else’s house so this was a big moment for him.

It was close to the hospital, in walking distance, and Tetsurou felt bad that he had been so close and now he wasn’t.

The apartment was only one story but bigger that Tetsurou’s place. IT had a nice kitchen, nice living room, nice everything, really. But then Tetsurou noticed the dust that settled on every surface and he remembered how long it had been since Tsukishima last came here. He said that he stopped by every so often to grab clothes or something, but other than that, the house was basically vacant.

Tetsurou explored around the apartment while Tsukishima went to his own room.

Finally, he came across the only door that hadn’t been opened, so it must have been Akiteru’s room.

He wanted to go in, see everything and how it had changed, but should he ask first? Would it be considered intruding? Was he—

“That’s not Akiteru’s room.” Tsukishima said, leaning against the doorframe of his own room.

Tetsurou laughed a bit and turned to face the other, scratching his neck in embarrassment. “Was I really that obvious?”

Tsukishima smirked. “You’re not as subtle as you think you are.” The smirk faded and Tsukishima shifted to standing straight. “Really, though, Akiteru and I share a room, that’s just used as storage.”

Tetsurou muttered a response and walked to the other room. “May I go in?”

Tsukishima cringed but stepped aside nonetheless. “That sounded creepy.” He muttered.

Tetsurou ignored the comment and walked into the room.

It was dark; Tsukishima apparently hadn’t bothered to turn on the light in favor of natural lighting. He walked to one of the shelved and picked up a trophy, the one that was for Tsukishima, but on the shelf stood many others.

“That’s a trophy my team bought for me when I was captain.” Tsukishima said, scaring Tetsurou in the process.

“You were the captain of a volleyball team?”

“Yeah, but I wasn’t that great, there just weren’t many seniors. I’m still questioning why they picked me though, my friend was a much better choice—“ Tsukishima continued babbling for a little while and Tetsurou held on to every word. Something about the expression on his face made Tetsurou melt. He was almost smiling at the memories. “—Anyways, speaking of pasts, you never told me about your life like you said you would.”

Tetsurou was wondering if Tsukishima had actually been waiting to be able to drop the accusation or if he had just randomly remembered.

Tetsurou sighed and sat on the bed, patting the space next to him. “You might want to sit down for this.”

Tsukishima frowned but still did what he was asked.

“So, I was in a foster home until I was about 10, I don’t know why and I never bothered to ask, the only thing I was ever told was that my birth parents weren’t good people. That was also the place where I had, and lost, my only friend I ever made, and I’m not exaggerating—well, until now, I guess,” He smiled. “His name was Kenma, just for the record, but I was adopted when I was 10 and, well, never saw or heard from him again.” Tetsurou hadn’t talked about Kenma in so long, had barely even thought of him, and now all those memories came flowing back and he wasn’t sure what to do with those emotions. “So, yeah, my new family started off pretty great, they put me in a nice school, we did things together, would talk about our days at the dinner table, you know, regular family stuff, and then when I was in… eighth grade, maybe? I said something about how I thought this boy was cute and all went to shit. So they were fucking awful and that was only the trigger to the family drama that would ensue after that, most of the time it wouldn’t even involve me but I can count a number of times that they’ve hit me so that’s mostly where I started recognizing people’s body language, I needed to know if I was safe or not, and most of the time I wasn’t.

“So, yeah, shit got worse, I got worse, I had literally no friends, like I could talk to people but for some reason I could never get close to someone and I just always had this thought in the back of my head that they all hated me, so that went on and as I got to my senior year, things got worse, like I didn’t think it was possible to get worse but it did and eventually I just… wanted to end it. So I tried, but of course I was stupid not to look up how much of whatever and my dad found me and they sent me to a mental institution and I was in there for a fucking _month_ before they withdrew me from school, fucking barely into my senior year and three months later they set me free and I had just turned 18 and my parents just said bye, kicked me out without a job or money, just the clothes I had on and I was homeless for about a year until I found the shop. I didn’t bother going back to school because all of my time was spent on trying to make enough money to survive, and then eventually I found the restaurant too and I guess here we are.”

There was absolute silence and Tetsurou wondered if he had said too much and right as he was about to say something, Tsukishima hugged him, tighter than Tetsurou could have imagined come from that small body of his.

“Here I am being selfish and thinking _my_ life is hard and…” Tsukishima muttered, more to himself. “Here you are acting so cool about how bad yours is…”

“My parents always told me that I had no room to complain because someone would always have it worse so—“

“That’s bullshit,” Tsukishima cut him off. “Your life is just as valid as anyone else’s, you have the right to complain and think it’s difficult because it really is, okay? My life sounds like nothing compared to the crap you’ve been through.”

It felt like their roles had been reversed and Tetsurou couldn’t exactly say that he minded. He never knew how much he needed to hear those words until now. So, all of that surfaced so many emotions and eventually Tetsurou just started sobbing because he had always known his life was shitty, but no one ever told him that yes, it really was and it’s okay to think that.

He thought back to what Akiteru had said about Tsukishima being a good person, and not that he doubted it, but now it was really starting to show.

-

-

“Should I just sell the apartment?” Tsukishima asked as they were walking to work.

“Where’d that come from?” Tetsurou frowned.

“I mean, no one lives there so why waste my money on it?”

“What about Akiteru?”

Tsukishima’s eyes became sad, but he kept his voice. “I already said he isn’t going to make it—“

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do.”

“No—“

“Do you want to come to the hospital and see him?” Finally, his voice wavered. “I’ve told you before how bad he looked and now he looks even worse, okay?” Tsukishima slid the headphones he always had around his neck onto his ears and walked faster, leaving Tetsurou behind.

-

-

Tetsurou did go see Akiteru later that week. He knew that Tsukishima hadn’t literally meant it, but Tetsurou wanted to talk to him one last time in case he… you know…

Tsukishima was working at the restaurant and it was one of those rare days that Tetsurou had off, so he decided to go to the hospital.

The place wasn’t as crowded as it had been the first time he came so he easily checked in and walked according to the directions he was given.

When he opened the door, he found Akiteru sleeping, chest slowly moving up and down. He definitely looked paler than the last time he had seen him. His cheeks were hallowed out as well and Tetsurou immediately felt bad for not asking permission to come.

He had been standing there for a few minutes before Akiteru slowly opened his eyes. His stare landed on Tetsurou but expression didn’t change at all.

“Tetsurou?” His voice was so scratchy, it made Tetsurou want to cringe.

“Hey…”

“What are you doing here?”

“I had a day off and Tsukki was working so I decided to stop by.”

They were quiet and looked everywhere but each other until Tetsurou finally decided to say something. “He said he wants to sell your apartment.”

Akiteru didn’t even look surprised. “That probably would be a good idea, he doesn’t need to be wasting all that money on something that never gets used.” Practically the same words that Tsukishima had said.

It was quiet again before Tetsurou spoke up. “You and him have mentioned something about conflict between you two but you both have gotten cut off before I could hear what happened.”

Akiteru hesitated. “It has to do with me lying to him for… so many years and him having to find out the hard way. It’s not my story to tell, you should ask him yourself.”

Tetsurou opened his mouth to respond but he was cut off.

“I’m really tired, though, so I’m going to sleep, tell Kei I said hi.”

Two days later, Tsukishima notified his landlord that they’d be moving at the end of their lease.

-

-

Tsukishima stared at the ground as he walked in the door.

Tetsurou had been content doing his own thing, but his mood immediately vanished.

“Tsukki, what’s wrong?” He asked slowly, creasing his brows in confusion.

He walked until he was at the couch, sat down, and immediately dropped his head into Tetsurou’s lap. “They said he’s not gonna make it to the end of the week.” Tsukishima said in a quiet voice.

Tetsurou’s heart dropped and if he felt like that then he couldn’t imagine what Tsukishima must have felt like. Gently, he ran his hands through his hair.

“They said he’s been in the hospital for too long and there’s nothing they can do anymore, so they’re taking him off of everything tonight.”

“And you didn’t want to be there for that?”

“I don’t want to see him suffer even more. Now’s bad enough.” His voice shook.

They were quiet until Tsukishima abruptly sat up and faced Tetsurou. “I avoided him for literally _years_ and I’ve been trying to make it up but now it’s impossible and he’s going to die remembering how shitty of a brother I was and, Kuroo, I was so cruel to him and _why did I do that—_ “

Before he could think, Tetsurou grabbed Tsukishima’s face and crashed his lips into his and…

He was immediately pushed away.

 _“What the hell was that for?!”_ Tsukishima demanded, rubbing at his mouth.

"I needed you to shut up."

Tsukishima just stared at him and his expression kept changing from hurt to anger. “And you thought _that_ was the best way of doing it?!”

“Well, I wanted to get your mind off of it too…” Tetsurou’s voice died down and he rubbed at the back of his neck.

Tsukishima continued to stare at him and Tetsurou just got more and more uncomfortable, unsure of what to say. All he could hear was the other’s ragged breaths and he couldn’t tell if it was from kissing him or if it was just the situation in general.

Was it sad that he wanted it to be from the kiss?

He just… really didn’t want Tsukishima to be so hard on himself over this. It was already a shitty enough situation, Tsukishima didn’t need to add guilt to the equation.

“Do you feel any better?” Tetsurou finally asked.

 _“What do you think?”_ Upon saying that, Tsukishima stood up and ran to the bedroom, shutting himself in like he had done before and Tetsurou noticed that this was how Tsukishima dealt with things, he understood what Akiteru meant when he said that his brother dealt with things poorly.

He wondered how many times he had done this with Akiteru.

This wasn’t another time he’d just let Tsukishima get through it on his own. Akiteru said he needed people even if he denied it and he had obviously known Tsukishima longer and knew how he dealt with things. Yes, the fact that he had ignored him for a few years was something to take into consideration, but hopefully they would have been made up long enough for Akiteru to relearn how his brother functioned.

Tetsurou stood and walked to the room. The door was unlocked and he wondered whether Tsukishima was so distraught that he forgot or if he actually wanted Tetsurou to come after him. Either way, he was going to go with the ladder one and just hope that he was right.

He pushed through the door and found Tsukishima like he had been when he asked about the school thing. Tetsurou slowly and quietly stepped forward waiting to see if Tsukishima would acknowledge him himself, but he didn’t. So, Tetsurou sat down on the edge and placed his hand on Tsukishima’s back.

“I’m sorry.” He muttered.

“I’m not angry about it,” Tsukishima said with a muffled voice. “You just did it at literally the worst possible time.”

He really did, Tetsurou knew that, and he didn’t know why he decided to put more onto Tsukishima’s plate when it was already overflowing. “I don’t know what you want me to do, Tsukki.” He whisoered.

“You could leave me alone.”

“You don’t need to be alone right now.”

“Did Akiteru tell you that, too?”

Tetsurou hesitated. “Yeah, he did.”

“Nice.”

Since Tsukishima didn’t tell him to go away, Testurou stayed where he was. However, he was hesitant to touch him now. He was already tense, already stressed, life was literally punching him in the gut and Tetsurou didn’t want to make it worse than he already had.

“I hate this.” Tsukishima mumbled.

“I can leave if you really want me to.”

“Not you… just,” He sniffled. “Remember when I told you that you weren’t included in the miserable part of my life and I wanted to keep it that way? Well, obviously it didn’t and it just really sucks…” Tsukishima’s voice cracked near the end.

Should he feel bad? Tsukishima was so sad and frankly some of it was Tetsurou’s fault. But, he knew that if he were to try and say something about it, Tsukishima wouldn’t be happy with it.

“Hey,” Tetsurou whispered, and he finally went back to rubbing his back. “Isn’t it better that I’m involved now, though? If I weren’t I think you’d be far more sad right now.”

Quiet.

Tsukishima sat up. His eyes were red and puffy from crying. He took off his glasses and folded them and rubbed at his eyes and bit his lip to keep it from quivering; Tetsurou pulled him into a hug.

He tucked him into his chest and that’s when Tsukishima really let go, fat tears rolled down his face and Tetsurou had never seen him this far out of composure. He hummed a soft tune as he gently rocked back and forth, listening to the quiet sobs that Tsukishima tried so hard to keep in.

-

-

For the next few days, Tsukishima didn’t do anything. Didn’t go to work, didn’t visit the hospital, Tetsurou had to bring him food and water and practically force it down him. All he did, all he could mentally handle, was lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, not even listening to music.

-

-

Four days after Akiteru’s fate had been decided, Tsukishima was lying in bed, Tetsurou was lying next to him with his arms around him.

Tsukishima’s phone started vibrating on the floor and Tetsurou leaned over to see who it was.

His heart dropped when he saw it was the hospital.

“Um… Tsukki…” Tetsurou said quietly. “It’s the hospital…”

No response, the phone continued vibrating.

“Tsukki—“

 _“I know.”_ He groaned, sitting up and leaning over the bed to grab the phone. Once it was in hand, he slid the button and looked at Tesurou.

He thought it was his cue to leave, but when he started to move, Tsukishima stretched out and grabbed his arm, sliding his hand into Testurou’s and squeezing hard.

“Hello?” He said.

The other line went on for a while and Tsukishima’s grip just kept getting tighter and tighter while he grunted out small sounds as responses to whatever was being said.

Finally, when he took the phone away from his ear, he just dropped it into his lap and stared ahead.

Tetsurou was too afraid to say anything and Tsukishima’s grip loosened in his hand.

Of course, Tetsurou knew what had just been said, but there was no way to predict what would happen next, there was a range of possibilities and making the wrong assumption could just make things worse.

Finally, after what felt like forever, Tsukishima opened his mouth. “I should have gone to visit him.” He muttered. “You should have convinced me to go see him.” He said a bit louder.

“Woah, Tsukki, I couldn’t convince you to do anything, you can’t blame me for this, you can’t blame yourself for this, it’s okay—“

“Tell that to Akiteru.”

Tetsurou snapped his mouth shut, looking away. He knew that Tsukishima probably should have gone to see his brother, but there was literally no way of convincing to go anywhere. But, that meant Akiteru went his last few days without seeing anyone but the hospital staff. He didn’t deserve that.

“I can’t believe I did that to him.”

“Tsukki—“

“I should have been the one that got sick, he deserved so much better.”

This time without hesitation, Tetsurou pulled Tsukishima to his and tucked him into his chest.

But Tsukishima didn’t cry.

-

-

Tetsurou knew that Tsukishima didn’t like expressing emotions, felt like he needed to pretend he didn’t have any, but in Tetsurou’s experience, it had never been this bad. It was like all of his emotions had disappeared. He was alive and moving physically, but it was like he was dead inside. Maybe he had mentally shut down, maybe there was something wrong with him too, but Tetsurou would never find out. He wouldn’t talk to him, the most he got was grunts of acknowledgment. He even spoke as little as possible to customers, which didn’t go over well with them. He stopped eating again, and it honestly scared Tetsurou. It had barely been two days.

Akiteru’s funeral was to occur that weekend.

Tetsurou ended up having to fill out the paperwork and whatever else was needed because Tsukishima’s wouldn’t even go near the papers.

So, the funeral came at last. Not many people had shown up, but Tsukishima said that was to be expected.

He felt bad having to force him to go. Tsukishima was so reluctant that Tetsurou wondered if it was even worth it.

But, then he remembered how upset Tsukishima had been the last time when he didn’t go see Akiteru one last time, so Tetsurou forced him out of bed and there they were.

Tetsurou grabbed his hand as reassurance but when he went to pull away, Tsukishima held on.

They stood there and sat there and “socialized” there, holding hands the entire time.

By the time the funeral had ended, neither of them had shed a tear.

“All these people crying and they barely knew him,” Tsukishima muttered. “Pathetic.”

That was said, but Testurou could tell that he was envious by the fact their emotions could be expressed while his couldn’t.

It was getting late as they walked home, but by this point Tsukishima had let go of his hand and there was a good amount of distance between them.

When they got home, Tsukishima went to lay on the vouch.

“Do you need anything?” Tetsurou asked quietly.

He received a headshake in response.

Despite his answer, Tetsurou moved and filled a cup with water, making his way over to Tsukishima and holding the glass in front of him. “Drink.”

“Why?”

“Because water is good for you.”

Tsukishima frowned and sat up to take the water. He sipped it quietly and Tetsurou plopped himself next to him.

“Do you want to do something tonight?”

Quiet. “Do you know what just happened today..? And you’re asking if I want to do something as if it were just a normal day..?”

“Tsukki, I didn’t mean it that way…” Tetsurou frowned. “I’m just trying to get your mind off of it.”

“This is something I’ll never be able to get my mind off of, okay? It’s something that’s going to haunt me forever, my constant reminder of how shitty of a person I am, you don’t have to try and help me through something that can’t be cured.”

Tetsurou was left speechless. What was there to be said to that? There were a lot of things, but probably each one would be the wrong one.

Instead, he reached to hold Tsukishima’s hand.

He instantly yanked away and scooted as far away as he could from Tetsurou without leaving the couch. He tried to shrink himself, shoving himself into the corner and pulling his knees into his chest.

Tetsurou sighed and stared at his fingers, waiting for Tsukishima to make the first move.

“I’m going to bed.” Tsukishima muttered about maybe a half hour of silence.

“That’s probably a good idea.” Tetsurou agreed, standing and stretching.

They got ready for bed in silence, Tetsurou didn’t bother with anything other than slipping off his clothes in favor of something more comfortable and getting under the covers.

Tsukishima had gone to use the restroom, but that had been a while ago. Tetsurou wondered if he was okay, but of course he was, it was none of his business what Tsukishima was doing in there.

However, when he came back, tears were streaming down his face.

Tetsurou sat up. “Tsukki—“ He was about to get out of bed when Tsukishima quickly made his way over to him and held him in place, preventing him from moving.

He straddled Tetsurou and stared him right in the eyes, face still shiny from tears and he was obviously still having hiccups from the crying.

“Remember how you said you wanted to get my mind off of this?” His voice didn’t sound like him, and Tetsurou felt like his heart dropped onto the floor.

“Yeah… but—“

He was cut off by Tsukishima kissing him, first hesitantly, but then again and Tetsurou kissed back and they kissed for about a minute before Tetsurou pulled away.

“Are you sure?” He asked, concerned, since last time Tsukishima had been so opposed to it.

Tsukishima nodded slightly before leaning back in to kiss Tetsurou, resting his arms on Tetsurou’s shoulders and shifting even closer.

There was an experimental roll of his hips and Tetsurou felt electricity run down his spine and he pulled away.

“Tsukki…”

“It’s okay.”

Tetsurou hesitated but what more was there to do? He knew that Tsukishima was probably just doing it because he didn’t know what else to do, his world had come crumbling down and every mean of support had disappeared other than Tetsurou. Maybe he thought this was a way to keep him from leaving since he knew that Tetsurou at least liked him. Or maybe he just didn’t know how to deal with it and for some reason this was the first thing to come to mind.

Tetsurou would be okay with it but… he didn’t know if this was actually what Tsukishima wanted. He didn’t want Tsukishima to wake up the next morning and regret what he had done the night before. Unless he was missing something, Tetsurou was pretty sure that neither of them had ever had sex before and probably just knew what they knew from watching porn or maybe even sex ed in school.

“Tsukki—“

“I said it’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

This time when he went back in, Tsukishima shoved his tongue into Testurou’s mouth and he worked his hands under Tetsurou’s shirt, slowly pulling up.

He was still hesitant, but Tetsurou pulled away long enough to help take his own shirt off, letting Tsukishima go back to feeling his chest while they went back to kissing and kissing and finally Tetsurou trailed away from his mouth, kissing down his jaw and working his way to his neck.

Tsukishima moaned softly and rolled his hips again and Tetsurou could feel the heat starting to pool in his groin.

Tsukishima pulled away long enough to pull off his own shirt and pulled Tetsurou back to his neck.

It was quite surprising that Tsukishima took off his shirt without a thought, however, this could also be a thing that he’d regret the next morning.

Still in the back of his mind, Tetsurou had the nagging thought of Tsukishima not actually wanting this. Even if he kept saying it’s okay, given the situation “okay” would probably been the answer to anything.

Nonetheless, he was in no position to argue with anything at the moment, so if it would make Tsukishima feel better for even a minute then it’d be worth it.

So, he went back to kissing Tsukishima’s neck and Tsukishima dug his nails into Tetsurou’s shoulders. He let out a small hiss of pleasure as he moved his mouth to kiss at his collarbone and place his hands on Tsukishima’s hips.

Tsukishima took the hint and started rolling his hips harder and faster with Tetsurou guiding him. Tetsurou could just feel his dick becoming harder and harder and slowly he moved one of his hands to the inside of Tsukishima’s thigh, moving to cup the bulge that was forming there.

“Take them off.” Tsukishima said through a moan.

Together, they took of Tsukishima’s pants and soon after so were Tetsurou’s.

-

-

“Boss always gives me some kind of bath basket for Christmas but never used them, never thought they’d come in handy one day.” Tetsurou muttered to himself as he grabbed a lotion bottle out of one of the many baskets sitting in his closet.

When he came back, Tsukishima had sat up, rubbing his face.

“Tsukki, you alright?” He asked cautiously.

“Fine… Just got something in my eye.”

Obviously, it was a lie, but Tetsurou had no room to question it, so he continued forward and Tsukishima stared at what was in Tetsurou’s hand, took a deep breath and lay back down.

As he uncapped the lotion, Tetsurou kneeled on the bed, and propped Tsukishima’s leg on his shoulder. He poured some lotion into his hand and spread it around the fingers. His hands were shaking, he was nervous and excited that they were doing this, Tetsurou never imagined this would happen, even if the way it happened wasn’t that great. Finally, he deemed himself ready and moved his hand to Tsukishima’s ass.

“Kuroo… Kuroo can we stop?” Tsukishima said, breathing heavily, and it wasn’t from adrenaline.

Tetsurou immediately stopped, sitting back on his heels and sliding the other’s leg off his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah… I’m just not sure anymore…”

“That’s okay, I don’t want to force you.”

Tsukishima looked so guilty, like he thought he was letting Tetsurou down and it was a crime.

“Hey…” Tetsurou said quietly, moving to sit next to him. “C’mere.” He muttered, leaning on his elbow and patting the place next to him.

Tsukishima hesitantly did so and Tetsurou scooted closer, wrapping his arms around the other. Tsukishima tensed and Tetsurou almost pulled away but then he settled into it and even adjusted himself to be more comfortable.

So there they were, naked and cuddling, Tetsurou being the big spoon, and not having sex, and frankly Tetsurou was okay with that. He was glad that Tsukishima could recognize he didn’t want to go all the way before it happened. The best thing was that Tsukishima was actually relaxed, not tense at all, and that was better than anything Tetsurou could have asked for. He could only hope that Tsukishima actually felt relaxed and it wasn’t just his body that made it seem that way. He had had enough stress for a lifetime within the last few months, he could use some time off.

He kissed the back of Tsukishima’s neck and they fell asleep like that. Even though the day had been so emotionally draining and sad, Tetsurou could say he went to bed happy.

-

-

Tsukishima squirming and groaning is what woke Tetsurou up.

“What’s wrong?” Tetsurou said through a yawn, pulling away to stretch.

“Why do I make such shitty decisions?”

It felt like Tetsurou’s heart stopped, his eyes were wide open and he paused mid-stretch. “Tsukki… do you regret—“

“Not really?” He sat up and turned to look at Tetsurou. The confusion on his face mad Tetsurou want to hug him. “Just… the reasons I did it is what I regret. I wasn’t thinking straight and… I don’t blame you, okay? I’m happy that you tried to make me feel better and I’m glad that you asked me so many times if it was okay and at that moment it really felt like the only solution and… I’m just really glad I came to my senses before it could go any further…”

Tetsurou sat up. “You were distressed and made a rash decision, don’t blame yourself.”

He rubbed at his face. “You’re right.”

There were a few seconds of silence, neither of them moved, they just sat there, staring at the covers.

“We have work today, don’t we?” Tsukishima finally said.

Tetsurou looked to his alarm clock. “Oh, yeah, I guess we do,” He muttered. “Want me to make some breakfast?”

Tsukishima huffed out a laugh. “Since when do we have breakfast foods we can make?”

“By ‘make’ I meant ‘get a piece of bread and put something on it,’ you should know the drill by now.” Tetsurou grinned, lightly nudging Tsukishima with his elbow.

“For real though, you should learn to cook someday, or we should together… we can’t always have kitchen disasters and keep eating all this awful food.”

-

-

As the days went on, Tsukishima seemed to get better. Of course, he still had his bad days where he could barely get out of bed, but Tetsurou was there and he helped him through it all.

Things got even better the day Oikawa finally found a new job and promoted Tetsurou to manager, they had more money, it was amazing how much more Oikawa had been getting paid, it made for so much more flexible spending and… after a while Tetsurou guessed that Tsukishima’d be able to go back to college if he wanted to.

Upon hearing that, Tsukishima nearly cried and hugged Tetsurou and even kissed him. Their relationship still wasn’t exactly defined as anything but they both knew at least something was there. One of them just needed to say something.

-

-

“Hey, you never told me if that friend finished whatever they were doing with those spray paints.” Tetsurou said one day, it was a morning that they both had off and Tetsurou was holding Tsukishima’s hand, lacing their fingers.

Tsukishima’s lips quirked up a bit. “They were for Akiteru, actually. It was before we knew how sick he was, he liked spray paint art, that’s actually what that other room was for, it was more like a studio, not storage.”

Tetsurou hummed and kissed the back of Tsukishima’s hand.

Now, when Tsukishima talked about his brother, it was more of a fond memory, it didn’t make him want to lock himself in a room for hours, didn’t make him want to make impulsive decisions, slowly but surely he was becoming stronger.

He still didn’t know the reason behind ignoring his brother, and not that he wasn’t curious, but it was something that wasn’t constantly on his mind. He knew that Tsukishima would tell him if and when he was ever ready.

Frankly, there were still a lot of unanswered questions about Kei Tsukishima, but in return there were still a lot of unanswered questions about Tetsurou Kuroo. There was still a lot of things they needed to learn about each other, but they had their whole future ahead of them. The future ahead of them seemed to be a clean slate. It was sad to say, but it was like Tsukishima could start new now that he had no one anymore, and Tetsurou had just been waiting to press his own start button, their lives had such a high possibility to get better now, and that was something neither of them would have ever been able to imagine only a few months, maybe even weeks, prior.

It was kind of like their “Aha moment”.

Maybe life wouldn't always be miserable after all.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Can you believe this entire fic idea spawned from "naked cuddling" and that doesn't even come in for a while omg, I didn't mean for this to get this long honestly. I thought it was going to be 5k at most but then I just kept writing and it kept getting longer and... here we are... The ending feels rushed but honestly that's actually how I wanted to end it.... I guess I'm just not the best at ending things
> 
> This was honestly so fun to write and I'm really sorry for any mistakes because I wrote this all in a notebook so when I went to type it I mainly looked at the notebook rather than what I was typing.
> 
> EDIT 1/23/16: if you're reading this again for some reason then i made some edits bc i found a bunch of typos so yeah
> 
> I promise I don't hate the Tsukishima bros and/or Kuroo
> 
>  
> 
> ALSO,  
> message to the sin fam but mostly Cindy since this was her gift:  
> Happy holidays you sinners, I'm sorry I can only write angst and bad smut


End file.
